Tracking Down a Cereal Killer

'A MATTER OF LAUGH OR DEATH' -- Why do they hate Corn Flakes?

Back in December, a professional organization of which I am a member teamed up with a Hartford-based organization to collect items for a local food pantry. By the way, the fact that I just used the phrase “of which I am a member” rather than “that I’m a member of,” indicates a high level of professionalism. The professional organization is ASHRAE (The American Society of Heating, Refrigeration, and Air-conditioning Engineers). And yes, as the name implies, we do some serious partying at our monthly meetings.

For the holiday food drive, we all were sent a flier that listed the items the food pantry was looking for. The list included canned fruit, oatmeal, rice, beans, pasta, canned soup, pancake mix & syrup, and other foods that do not need to be refrigerated. On the list was this item: “Cereal (except Corn Flakes)”.

When I read that, I said to myself, “Except Corn Flakes”? What’s wrong with Corn Flakes?

These folks are asking for food donations, but suddenly they’re Corn Flake snobs? They’ll accept any of the approximately 7,000 options on the shelves of the supermarket’s breakfast cereal aisle, but not Corn Flakes?

Are they trying to say that Corn Flakes are unwelcomed, but if we take Corn Flakes, coat them with a ton of sugar, and then rename them “Frosted Flakes,” it’s suddenly OK? Apparently, cereals that are notorious for being less than nutritious — like Cocoa Puffs, Cap’n Crunch, and Corn Pops — are fine, but a breakfast table staple that’s been around since 1894 is verboten? Something is fishy here.

Since two of the items on the list were “Pancake Mix & Syrup” and “Canned Soup,” it’s clear they are not overly concerned with sugar and sodium levels. And that makes sense. If the food pantry’s mission is to feed homeless people who are hungry today, they’re not going to worry about the impact of too much sugar and salt 10 years from now.

But why were Corn Flakes so conspicuously singled out on that list? Being the inquisitive person that I am — and more importantly, realizing I had no topic yet for this week’s column — I sought an answer. Even if I did not uncover this mystery, I figured I could stretch my kvetching about it into a 600-word essay. So, I emailed the person at ASHRAE who was coordinating the food drive effort. She replied: “Corn flakes are often considered ‘bad’ because they are highly processed, low in fiber, can be high in added sugar and sodium, have a high glycemic index, and may lack significant nutritional value compared to other whole grain options.”

Fair enough. If I was sent a weird Corn Flakes inquiry, I also would’ve copy-and-pasted the first thing I found on a Google search. But as long as Frosted Flakes and Count Chocula are acceptable, that still does not explain the targeted attack on Corn Flakes.

I concluded there was only one thing left for me to do: arrive at the December ASHRAE meeting with a shopping bag stuffed with six jumbo boxes of Corn Flakes. If necessary, I would start a “Stop Corn Flakes Hate!” movement.

Then I heard from someone at the food pantry. She said, “That flier was from earlier this year. We got a big donation of only Corn Flakes. So, for a while we were asking for other cereals. Of course Corn Flakes are welcomed.”

Oh, I see. No mysterious conspiracy theory. No hateful mobs in the street chanting, “Hey hey, ho ho, bad Corn Flakes have got to go!”

My career as a cereal rights activist ended before it got started. But at least I squeezed a full column out of a complete non-story!

(The column “A Matter of Laugh or Death” appears each week in the Republican-American newspaper, Waterbury, CT.)